• nicolamcdonaldppc

Pause and Reflect.

I took a walk this morning with our two dogs in a place I've never walked before.

It was important for me that I explored a new place, virgin territory so that I created a space that was for her and me.

I resisted for a while filling in forms and wondering what books and materials I could purchase, devour and learn from to keep me striving forward.

I sat for a while on my orange sofa thinking whether I had the time but, all of the time all I wanted to do was think less, do less, just for today; I needed to for today.

Only one thought, one memory was significant and worthy of my time but, for a moment I tried to schedule it in.

Then, I remembered. When I embarked on this journey to Coach and write I decided I would operate from a place of health and harmony first.

Day after glorious day, I have this thirst for things that fill me up and often I forget to be present in my quest for knowledge and more; in my quest to the better.

So, I stopped. I got up and I left the house. The books remained on their shelf, the materials remained un-purchased and I didn't fall to pieces and the world didn't collapse and I was present and able to reflect in this new space that wasn't tainted from me having trodden the path before; it was mine and hers.

As each year goes by this day, 3rd April, becomes less of a grieving day and more of one filled with memories and reflection.

I had two wonderful wins very recently and I still go for that phone to ring my mother. The thought doesn't even last a second it's gone at nano speed but, the regret that I can't share lasts longer.

I sometimes forget to honour her. Without her there is no me. We weren't the same her and I but, we shared similarities. I chased more opportunities.

My mother was beautifully naive with a sense of innocence you see mostly in children. When she laughed her whole face joined in and the room was caught up in her giggling. She was creative and she could have done so much; I'm sure of that.

She mended and altered our clothes when we were young, we didn't have a lot. She made my wedding dress with much love; it's priceless. Her hand writing curved with beautiful elegance something she naturally possessed. She loved poetry and literature and her family and when she left we weren't ready.

I wonder about what's out there, where she might be; I see her free. Worry and illness fallen away and that's where I talk to her in that place. She enters my dreams, I can't count how many times I tried to rescue her in them and she tells me she is ok and she stays. So much time has passed since she left; so much has happened since.

With all that I imagined I had to do today; with all that I imagined couldn't wait, the truth is the most important thing to do was take time to reflect and count my blessings. I had her once and on this day, her birthday, I get to celebrate and commemorate and all else really can wait.

What will you pause and reflect on today?

Chertsey, United Kingdom


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