Weighing up the Balance
Over the bank holiday, my husband and I had in mind to get to the #ThamesBarrier.
We have walked most of the #Thamespath with the exception of a small stretch between Oxford and Windsor.
On Monday 27th May, a UK bank holiday, we got on the train to London Waterloo and off we went. Just shy of 16 miles later we arrived at the O2 suitably tired and hungry.
Once upon a time, in the not so distant past, he and I walked miles and miles during the week and at weekends but, life has changed for us for a number of reasons over the past couple of years.
I felt the drain of the last few miles greatly, from Greenwich to the O2, and with my pulse racing, thanks to #Hypothyroidism, we stopped short of the #ThamesBarrier by 1.5 miles. It wasn't my muscles complaining but I had been neglecting my well being.
We took some comfort in that we could see the barrier from where we caught the boat at O2 to Embankment.
#Redundancy, #grief, #study, #career and #writing have consumed one or both of us and we spent a lot of time over the past couple of years consolidating, rationalising, healing and satisfying the mind but, the body took a back seat, quite literally.
Regrets? I mustn't have regrets because, in that time, when my brain received its greater share of stimulation, I achieved. I have realised aspirations beyond what I had hoped in spite of planting my ass firmly on the sofa.
Over the last month, however, my body has been screaming for its equal share of attention. It's making its protest known by #aching from sitting, #racingpulse from #hypothyroidism. It's spreading out and generally making me feel like it's reached an age which my years haven't caught up with yet.
Balance is not something you find, it's something you create" - Jana Kingsford
So today, with my good friend C, we got out early and went to the gym and "I AM SO ALIVE" I had truly forgotten how much I love to exercise.
Those exercise endorphins trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine so even on those days that you may not feel like it, a little movement can create a whole new outlook. I must remember this.
C and I have been doing this thing that we as humans are extremely good at. You might know it too, it's called the shame game; picking, emoting, blaming, hating, crying, laughing about every single inch of our atomic self.
The self deprecation has made me want to reach for the chocolate. (I haven't, well maybe I did just once with a packet of chocolate covered nutty things at the weekend - they were yum!).
And the taunting from those objects we invest in goes on:
Mirror says, "uh uh!"
Shop window says, "Oh No!"
Scales scream, "OMG get off!"
Clothes shout, "Breath in!"
Tape measure adds, "Another inch!"
So the spiral continues.
The mind doesn't distinguish between positive and negative affirmation it will believe whatever we continue to perpetuate. At the latter stage of beating up on myself, I was staying in; telling myself I'm too busy. The front door was a threshold not to be crossed until I sorted myself out; whatever that meant.
Here in the 4 walls, I stayed in safety, out there beyond the threshold lay judgement; what if somebody sees how disgusting I've become?
Oh the mind, it's cruel especially when it's of your own doing.
In truth nobody who cares about me has placed a single judgement upon me. And, let's face it, would you shame and taunt another person as you do yourself? I wouldn't think so!
I am always amazed that in all that we do, all that we achieve we still find the time to shame and taunt ourselves.
I thought hard about this and having respect for oneself doesn't have to equal acceptance of a situation either, it's about honouring all of you and doing what's right for you and by you.
My body has been telling me to go for a walk, smother it in vitamin D while the sun shines, move the limbs I was born with and get the muscle reclaiming its place for a little while. But, I wasn't listening! So my body said ok, I will keep pushing, checking in, until you hear me.
It sent me aching limbs and fatigue; walking up the stairs was causing my muscles to dig deep for strength but, the most concerning bit is the racing pulse because, I didn't nourish my body well. Not good!
When I studied to become a Personal Development Coach and when I dared to write a book I promised myself that I would find balance in my life for all of my passions from that point on.
In actual fact, over the past 5 months, I have not quite managed it, so I am redressing that balance to live the promise I made.
I can actually have it all; coaching, writing, the gym, the walks, the family time a relationship too and rest is equally important but, it takes work and hearing when the scales have tipped.
As an all or nothing kinda woman, I have to learn to spread my energy across a plethora of passions and I will always have to keep that self deprecation in check but, when I recognise this, when it penetrates, I work with my skill and tools afforded by my studying.
Weighing up the balance takes work and sometimes you may find yourself concentrating hard on one small slice of the whole. The thing is not to beat yourself up but, simply to address the balance; remind yourself why you entered in to your own bargain. I am consistently working it out, it's a life times work.
Remember to love yourself and be grateful for what you have, dance in the rain, bask in the sun, sleep under the stars and the moon and when life seems a little off, check back in and take control.
Oh today, in spite of @SuzeCoopers of @bigtentsocials #flashbriefing on Alexa advising me that it's Biscuit day (29th May 2019), I have resisted even though my mouth is watering at the thought of a chocolate digestive right now. Go me! :-) . Mindset is such a fickle friend / fiend!
Nicola McDonald - 29th May 2019